Silently judging with a clipboard

You may have had experience of watching things like The Sopranos, Frasier, or even Sex Education, and have some of your own ideas about what “going to therapy” looks like these days. You might have expectations of what a counsellor or psychotherapist’s personality is like, or how they might behave, but if we were to ask different people about their own experiences of therapy and psychotherapists, I think that the answers would be vast and all different. 

Therapists are ordinary people. We laugh, get things wrong, feel moved by people’s stories, and continually learn throughout our careers from those that we work with. We are not sitting behind a notepad silently judging you. Most of us are simply trying to understand your experience and help you make sense of it alongside you. 

Finding the therapist that’s right for you

There are many different types of therapy, as well as many different types of therapists – each with their own personalities, experiences, and ways of working, and this can make things daunting when you first reach out. It can also make people closed off if they have tried therapy in the past and it hasn’t worked out for them. There can be many reasons for this, and sometimes it simply means that we need to try more than one therapist before finding the right fit—for both you and the therapist. For many people, feeling safe, understood, and able to build a trusting relationship is just as important as the particular type of therapy on offer. 

Personally, I have worked with many different therapists at various points in my life, and they have all offered me different ways of working, different perspectives, and different relationships. On one occasion I met with a therapist who just wasn’t the right fit for me, and I made the decision not to see them again, and that’s ok! 

The scary first session

When you first meet with a psychotherapist or counsellor you will usually spend the first session getting to know each other, discussing why you’ve decided to come to therapy, and exploring how you’d like things to be different. You might also have questions for the therapist about the process, about what times and days you’ll meet etc. 

After the first meeting, it can be helpful to ask yourself a few simple questions. Did I feel comfortable with them? Was I able to relax a little as the session went on? Did I feel listened to? Did I feel able to express myself without pressure? Building trust can take time—sometimes months, or even longer. You do not have to leave the first session feeling completely comfortable, but it can be worth asking yourself whether you can imagine that trust growing over time. 

Speak to your therapist about therapy!

You might also want to think about the pacing of the therapy. Do you feel like it’s going too slowly, or too fast? Does your therapist “speak your language” or do you find them using terms that you can’t understand? These are important things to discuss with your therapist if you feel things aren’t working well for you. 

You might have an expectation that your counsellor or psychotherapist is analysing your every word and making an assumption about you based on it. This is not the case! Of course, they will be listening to you and trying to understand you. They will also be noticing any patterns, whilst helping you to understand your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. 

Marathon, not a sprint

Every session with your therapist might feel different. Some sessions might feel productive, and sometimes you might feel like you’re going round in circles – I’ve been there! Sometimes you might have loads to say, and sometimes not so much. Sitting in silence is not a sign that you’re doing therapy wrong. Sometimes silence gives us space to think, notice our feelings, or simply be with something that is difficult to put into words. It’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to laugh, too! These sessions are a time to get curious about yourself – your therapist is not going to tell you what to do!  The important thing to remember is that you are working with your therapist, you are not on your own. It is a relationship based on you both working together and communicating with each other. It is not something that is done “to you”. 

So, the reality of therapy is often quieter and less dramatic than television would have us believe. There is more to a therapist than “how does that make you feel”. There is no expectation of you talking about things that you do not want to talk about. You get to choose when to share, or when not to share. The session is your time and nobody else’s.

Many people arrive in therapy feeling that they need to explain themselves perfectly, or be in crisis. This is not true. One of the realities of therapy is that you can simply walk in and say “I don’t really know where to start”.

And that is often a perfectly good place to begin. 

If this article has answered some of your questions but you’d like to know more, you’re welcome to get in touch. There is no obligation to book a session, and I’m happy to answer any questions you may have about the process.

7th June 2026