Understanding the different parts of you
Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that surprised you?
Perhaps you snapped at someone and immediately wondered, “Where did that come from?” Or maybe you’ve caught yourself saying something and thought, “I sound just like my mum.”
At other times, you might feel as though different parts of you are pulling in different directions. One part wants to stay in bed, another tells you that you should get on with your day, while another simply feels overwhelmed.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Transactional Analysis (TA) offers a simple and useful way (in my opinion) of helping us to understand ourselves and how we interact with others and it does this by using a model of Ego States.
TA suggests that our personality is made up of different ego states—consistent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that develop through our experiences. We move between these ego states throughout the day, often without realising it.
When we get to know our ego states a little bit more, we may become more able to identify where things are feeling a little more challenging in our lives, or where we are feeling stuck within our relationships.
So, what is an ego state?
An ego state is a consistent way of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
In the most simplest form, the three main ego states are:
Parent contains the attitudes, beliefs, feelings and behaviours we absorbed from parents, carers and other important authority figures. This can come in the form of both criticism or nurturing behaviour. Internally, these old parental messages can continue to impact and/or influence our inner child throughout our adult life.
Adult is the part of us that responds to what is happening in the present. It gathers information, weighs up different perspectives and helps us make thoughtful decisions rather than reacting automatically.
Child contains the feelings, creativity, needs and ways of coping that developed during childhood. It is the part of us that experiences joy, curiosity and spontaneity, but also fear, shame and vulnerability.
Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that you have three different personalities. It means that we have different ways of functioning that can become active at different times in different scenarios. Try not to think of the ego states as labels and more as our internal operating systems. None of them are better than another. We need all three. Problems usually arise when we become stuck in one ego state or respond automatically rather than choosing the response that best fits the situation.
An example of ego state movement…
Child ego state:
I have been informed by my manager that the data analysis in my final report that I’ve completed for a presentation tomorrow needs to be redone. Initially, I feel defensive, and then I feel shame and inadequate. I might start to worry that I’m going to lose my job, or I might wonder why they are always picking on me. This initial reaction would be coming from my child ego state.
Parent ego state:
I then might move to punishing myself, or blaming others. I might start to say to myself that I should have done a better job. This is likely to be me moving into my parent ego state.
Adult ego state:
After I take some time to calm down I am more able to look at this from a more objective view. I respond to my manager to clarify what it is that they want, and am then more able to do what has been asked of me. I am able to tell myself that this feedback was based on the data, not my worth as a person. I tell myself I have time to complete this, and I acknowledge that I have colleagues who can support me. This would be a more rational assessment from my adult ego states.
Ego states and therapy
Therapy isn’t about getting rid of any part of yourself. It’s about becoming more aware of the different voices within you, understanding where they came from, and learning to respond with greater freedom and choice. As we develop our Adult ego state, we become better able to care for ourselves, communicate openly, and respond to life’s challenges in ways that feel authentic rather than automatic.
Read more about what to expect from your first therapy session.