Understanding how we communicate with each other is a big part of Transactional Analysis. In this piece, I’m going to introduce transactions and explore how recognising them may help us manage difficult conversations.
This article builds on my previous post about ego states, so you may find it helpful to read that first: Meet your inner parent, adult, and child.
So, I wonder if you’ve ever finished a conversation feeling completely misunderstood? Maybe a small disagreement suddenly turned into an argument, or maybe somebody answered a question that you never asked. Sometimes conversations seem to flow effortlessly, whilst others leave us feeling frustrated, criticised, or ignored.
Transactional Analysis suggests that much of our communication difficulties come down to things called transactions – and these can be defined as the exchanges that happen between people every time we communicate. For example, I walk into a room and say hello to you, and you respond with a hello back. This is what we would call a transaction. This doesn’t only include our words, but also tones of voice, facial expressions, and our body language.
Where do these transactions come from?
Every transaction that we experience begins from one of our ego states (Parent, Adult, and Child) and is directed towards an ego state in the other person.
Let’s look at a couple of examples so that you can get a feel for what I’m talking about…
Nick: What time are we meeting?
Gemma: About 7pm
A second example might be:
Nick: What time are we meeting?
Gemma: Well, if you’d listened the first time…
Notice how this conversation suddenly feels very different?
The Complementary transaction
A complementary transaction occurs when the response comes from the ego state that was invited and is directed back towards the ego state that began the exchange. Because the communication follows the expected pattern, the conversation can continue. The first “What time are we meeting?” exchange seen above is an example of an Adult to Adult complementary transaction.
Let’s take a look at a parent to child transaction.
Parent: Clean your room, please.
Child: No, I don’t want to.
Parent: You will do as you’re told
Child: You’re always telling me what to do.
Parent: Don’t answer me back. Go and clean your room.
(And so it continues…)
Here, each Parent communication receives a Child response, which is then met by another Parent response. The exchange is complementary, so it can continue for some time. It is said that complementary transactions allow for conversations to go on indefinitely (Stewart, I., & Joines, V. (2012)). It doesn’t mean that they will go on indefinitely, but it does mean that they can, if each person remains in the expected ego state. This isn’t always healthy – as you can see with the above Parent – Child interaction becoming increasingly conflictual.
By understanding complementary transactions, we can start to notice what kind of response is being invited by the other. If your boss speaks to you like a Child (from a Parent ego state), you might automatically find yourself responding like a Child (from a Child ego state). If conversations are not flowing, or are becoming critical or unproductive, it may be more helpful to respond from an Adult ego state. Alternatively, sometimes responding from the corresponding ego state may support connection. For example, sharing humour and playfulness from our Child ego state to a Child ego state in another.
Crossed transactions
Crossed transactions interrupt the expected flow of communication and may lead to confusion, defensiveness or conflict. The conversation might come to a stop, unless one of the individuals changes how they respond (usually having to shift ego state in order to do so).
Adult:
“Could you help me understand this?”
Parent:
“You should know that already.”
The Adult question has been met by a Parent response, interrupting the expected Adult-to-Adult exchange.
Another example might be:
A manager asking a staff member: Do you know where this file is? (Adult inviting Adult response)
But actually receiving: Why do you always blame me for everything?! (Child to Parent response)
To return to the original issue, one person will need to respond differently—often by moving into Adult.
Ulterior transactions
Ulterior transactions convey two messages at the same time: a social message, and a hidden psychological message. This is where tone and body language can become important.
Imagine one partner walks into the kitchen and asks, “Do you know where the washing up sponge is?” At the social level, this sounds like an Adult to Adult request for information. However, a heavy sigh or critical tone may carry a second message: “Look at the mess you’ve left.” And this is one of the reasons why body language can be so important within communication!
The other partner may respond to this hidden Critical Parent message rather than the literal question: “Stop nagging me. I’ll clean it later,” instead of a simple “yeps, it’s by the sink”. Although the words appear Adult to Adult, the psychological exchange may have been Parent to Child.
So, next time you find yourself arguing, or stumped in a conversation, wondering how you got there, you might ask yourself:
Which ego state might I have been speaking from?
Which ego state did the other person appear to respond from?
What kind of response was I hoping for?
What happened when I did not receive that response?
As with ego states, transactions are not simply “good” or “bad” and understanding them can help us become curious about what is happening between us. We cannot always control how another person responds, but we can become more aware of the ego state from which we are communicating and the response we may be inviting. This awareness may help us when we find ourselves misunderstanding each other, or help us to redirect conversations that are becoming unproductive. Often, a shift back into our Adult ego state can change the entire course of a conversation.